jESUS walks through the emerald field with a selfie stick. The first chord of Billie Eilish’s feather bird rises like a prayer. “It’s OK Besties, so it’s my pick. Like a genuine Save Humanity Arc,” he says, cheese. “Love it for me,” Jesus locks Jonathan Van Ness behind his ears.
The scene changes. He still has a selfie stick, but now he’s strolling through the dusty town. “So I told the team I had to die. Peter literally tried to gaslight me. It’s not dramatic, like Baby. This is a prophecy.”
Another cut. Jesus at the candle banquet. “It’s a bit of a chat, so I’m in the middle of dinner. Judas couldn’t even make eye contact,” he shook his head and turned to the camera, smirking at his knowledge. “He’s a very fake!”
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At first glance, videos of this genre — a reimagining of biblical stories through the lens of Americanized Fuckboy’s video blog culture — feel like a strange and sacrificial Gobulgook. Unless you want to make it intelligent as a congregation of the Holy Trinity of 2025, AI, influencer culture, and rising conservatism. up to you. Are these videos signs of the era? Are they symptomatic of American rights? Are they brainwashing me towards Christianity? Why are their Bible IV drips horny? Why can’t I stop looking at them? Why is my brain leaking out of my ears? ! ?
My first indoctrination of these biblical video blogs happened while I was lying in bed. When the algorithm parted ways and Joseph of Nazareth hit my screen, I slacked off from a biblical percentage scrolling session. “Peeking at the fit! Ancient IV of Rock. I wiped the drool from my mouth and sat down for a moment. Further drives are often not an antidote to brain rot, but even so, I was Daniel in the lion’s den. I was Jonah in the whale. I was mixing the palphor. My commitment to scrolling brought me to salvation.
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In the old days, I cheated on religion. When my grandparents were in town, I knelt with my grandparents, attended the Bible, and chilled with young people groups to interact with friends and boys. I had a short obstacle with Hillsong (I was 13 and needed to plan for a Friday night). a) The girl in front of me began screaming and screaming, “I’ve been captured by the devil.” And b) I peered behind the curtains of the church and saw the teenagers staring at each other.
My views on both fingering and religion have now changed. The current scope of my spiritual practice is to say things like, “Jesus takes the wheel!” Or “What a god!” And take a picture of the church iconography while traveling through Catholic countries and posting on Instagram afterwards.
Still, every night, I find myself flicking past clothing and restaurant recommendations and sinking into a check with a tooth-generated atmosphere from the last night up. So I can push it into the vlog of the Trojan box. Alternatively, there will be Vox Pop from Easter on Monday. And then there were a series of street reactions to Goliath, killing David. Something really cool.
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I recently went to confess my feelings with a friend and admitted my fanaticism. I was preaching to converts. She was also bitten by an apple from an AI Bible story. Jesus was like the first influencer, she said. Mary and Joseph were giving toxic vlog parents. And if Judas was there for now, he would upload a total of 40 minutes of uncut YouTube screed.
Temporarily, I take environmental costs into consideration. How many liters of water did you need to witness Mary dab? How many finite resources have been burned so that AI Jesus can joke about dropping water into a wine tutorial? We’ve taken off the planet for a few years, so wait! shh. The next video begins.
Adam sits in a podcast booth, turns on noise-cancelling headphones, has a microphone in front of him, and a top made of flimsy conga line leaf lines. “So God makes me? Boom. The first guy, the parents, nothing. I… ‘Ah… I’m literally going to be everyone’s dad! They break up, I’ll make them clash over and over again. Another! Another! Another! Another!
